I'm the type of girl that can be described as "flighty, goofy, forgetful, always going." Some love me for it- others hate it. I'm pretty average looking, not hot- but not ugly either. I guess you could say the big green eyes and constant smile on my face is the best of features. (Not to sound conceited.) I'm okay with being alone- I have no fear of eating alone, or going to have a beer and making new friends with everyone around me. My sister and mom say, "You make friends everywhere you go, our social butterfly." I'm not too confident by any means, always pondering is there more to this life? Always needing things to change. I guess my biggest fear would be settling. Settling down, letting my life stop, being "trapped." I want to have the freedom to get up and go when I want to- so maybe getting married and having kids will never be good enough for me- hell, getting through college and being trapped here is hard enough. I feel I'll never escape, I'll never travel, I'll never get away. But soon enough I will and we all know that.
So anyways, lately I've been down in the dumps, feeling trapped, feeling gloomy- which is so not me and it got me to thinking about the ventures in my life. What's my story? Who have I met throughout the years? How did I end up where I am now?? I am 26 years old, have been in college for 8 years, I'm a bartender and a waitress, not married- no children, nothing holding me back. The people around me are getting married, having babies, moving on - and me I'm still thinking- HOW THE HELL DID I GET HERE?? WHAT HAPPENED TO BEING 19 YEARS OLD AND WILD AND FREE?? And it got me to thinking about all the exes I've had throughout the years. Which with my personality and inability to settle down was many- whether it was a couple years, a couple weeks, whatev- an ex none the less. So I've decided to share my journey and what I've learned from these fabulous men throughout the years- and yes I said fabulous. People tend to hate their exes. Me? Nope- I've learned from each and everyone of them, have loved, laughed, shared memories- good and bad- and each of them have added a little piece to the person I have become today. So lets start in the beginning...
The high school sweetheart. The memories we shared- the dumb things we did, the laughter, the love. We thought we'd be together forever and ever. Teenage hormones are a bitch- especially for a girl- we're crazy when we're teens and as some men say- as adults too or always lol. We were together for awhile and I was jealous of all the other girls, constantly nit picking towards the end. He taught me that heart break does exist. It hurts. That even at the time it feels your life is over, and your never ever ever going to live through this or find happiness again. You will. So to all you high school kids out there- some will marry their high school sweetheart, others will move on and get their hearts broken. There is one promise I can promise you: Even though you will never forget him, never not ever- after all, he was your first love- you will move on, you will find somebody new, and you will become your own person with or without him.
After him- I picked myself up from the worst heartbreak of my life. I reconnected with my girlfriends, graduated high school. Moved to the beach and found the peace and serenity I needed in life. I learned who I was. I became a young woman. I became the start of who I would be after high school that summer at the beach. He came down for a few weeks- we had a fling and went our seperate ways.
The other high school boyfriend, the one who went to the Marines. When he left you were so proud of him, I'm a Marine's girl. His family loved you and you loved them. He was gone for a life time, writing home and calling telling you he's going to marry you. Your ring is bought, your life together is a fairy tale, a good love story. The one who everytime Serendipity comes on the TV, he mysteriously calls you and knows your watching it at that same exact moment. The one your cousin introduced you to in high school, by telling him your favorite movie was "Sleepless in Seattle." The one who awkwardly walks up to you at the party and ever so strangely says... "Soooo... Sleepless in Seattle." And you look at him like What in the Lord's name are you talking about?? The one who showed you marine life and that even though a marine, a man of honor, all men can be pigs. He was a cheater, a liar, a heart breaker. I learned that long distance relationships don't work from him. His 6 week girlfriend calls me a week before Christmas, asking who I was? Introducing herself to me as his fiance. Minds racing- he had a ring for me, he told my parents, he told me. I bought a 500 dollar plane ticket. We were gonna have babies. He taught me, marriage isn't for me. He taught me babies aren't for me. He also taught me that I would love him for the rest of my life and there was no use in holding a grudge- cuz I knew the new wife wouldn't last longer than a year, and I knew he had always and will always love me. But I had moved on and was not about to revisit that heart break again. He also taught me that it is possible to have a best friend that is an ex boyfriend- the guy who knows you better than any other, the one who is in love with you and still listens to you cry about your current relationship.
Next was the guy who had the same dreams I did. He was an asshole- but it was sexy. I was the only girl who didn't laugh off his piggish insults and told him where to stick it. Kind of elementary if you think of it. Let me tell you- this man I'll definitely never forget. This was by far my favorite, the man I still dream of, the man that I wish the movies would come true. If there is one thing he had taught me it was- don't you ever let a man talk down to you, and don't be afraid to get on the back of a bike, let the wind in your hair, and sitting in silence cuz your so in love and can't speak is okay. We loved the same exact music- a rare breed of music lovers- a rare breed of Myrtle Beach lovers- a rare breed of lovers. I was 19 years old and loved watching CSI Miami cuddling on the couch with him instead of going out partying with my friends. There was always such passion and sexyness to him. He was never afraid to tell me what he wanted- and trust me ladies- there is nothing more sexy than a man who knows what he wants in life. Occasionally we talk, and he visits every couple years. I'm learning that if I avoid him- I don't miss him.
He left for the beach and I stayed home. Something kept me here- couldn't leave my family. Wasn't ready to go back to the sunlight and waves- God please forgive that biggest mistake ever. I needed to be here, I had more to learn. And now I know that.
I went some time dating a few forgetfuls, a few flings, nothing too important. A few guys who just weren't impressional enough for me to really be interested in. They didn't have a different attribute or stick out above the rest. Until I met the older man. At first- he took me by surprise asking me to dinner. The more we got to know each other more I liked him and loved him or so I thought. He showered me with everything I wanted. Bought me a new wardrobe, a car, everything. He taught me that no matter how much someone buys you- they can't buy your love. I knew it was all wrong. We were at two different places in life. I was turning 21 and he was ready for marriage and kids. He took our break up the worst out of anyone. He hates me- and that's okay. I will always be thankful for all that he has done for me, and for the life lesson he taught me- money is not everything. And a real relationship doesn't involve a sugar daddy.
I spent a lot of time alone after him. I partied a lot with my friends or alone. Out every night of the week drinking and partying. I lived alone, I did what I wanted, when I wanted. I met lots of new people, including the next boyfriend... The one who was in a band, had crazy hair, could play the guitar just as good as Van Halen, who had roomates and could party just as hard as I could. I learned all about what shredding your face off was about and how to properly play the air guitar. I learned how to rock out, let go, and let the music "roll" my life. I learned that heavy metal is just not people screaming and growling- but an art and very harsh on the voice box I must add- a talent, backed with amazing guitar riffs- that you and I can only imagine playing on the guitar. I also learned that- to make it in this world as a rock star is a long shot, and working my ass off to pay for all the beer and pot was getting me no where. It was time to move on, time to rock on.
Back to loner status- out every day of the week, drinking, searching for my new prince charming. Traveled a lot at this time. Went a lot alone. If you asked me during this time- my favorite place to be- I would of answered: "The airport, cuz there are so many people you can meet." Side Note: One of the most favorite people I have ever met was on a flight to Conway, SC. His name was Jamalab, we sat next to each other on the flight there, and drank many little tiny bottles of vodka, laughing and getting to know each other. He was from Zimbabwe and me? A small town girl, with dreams to see the world. We shared the same birthday. He showed me pictures of his beautiful wife, and filled my head with their ever so beautiful love story and I thought I could only hope to ever have that love some day. We emailed to each other for a few years, but soon they dwindled, and eventually stopped coming. Great memory, of a stranger I made friends with.
Sometime went by and I started to hang out in a near by town close to my hometown. Making new friends, through a friend I've known forever. My best friend- was the king of parties, the man you call, the wild one, the one with no fears, and could always make you laugh because you never knew what to expect out of him next. Not a fear in the world. Everlasting supply of money and famous for buying drinks for the bar. We hung out a lot- he was dating my best girl friend, so it was convenient. I was always a third wheel - but with the world funnest couple who cared? Besides he has some hot friends and what girl wouldn't want to party with hot guys?? Eventually his group, became my group of friends and I made a big mistake, one I swore I would never do. I dated a friend. Not only a friend of mine who was hot, sexy, funny, and fun- but one that was known for his player status. Girls: You will never change a player. They are who they are, friend or not, you are not the exception. He'll fill your head with dreams of living together and growing old- but it won't happen. He taught me- not to date a known player. I enjoyed my time with him though and we are still friends. He taught me that family is important in a relationship on both sides, and that hanging with the fam isn't all that bad. I spent the holidays with them, and they accepted me as their own- even though we weren't together all that long. When we broke up, I'll admit- I was a little heart broken, but it didn't last long- as I was back to partying and doing my thing. I started working a lot more, multiple jobs and got a bartending gig in the town.
My best friend of 15 years and I grew apart. She shunned me- as I was a bit selfish and thought the world revolved around me. She took care of me, a mom in a sort of way, always having my back no matter what, always picking me up when I was down, always listening to me cry about the bad, and making me see the good. She was wonderful. She was the best friend one could only imagine of having and I took her for granted. We were sisters and I thought no matter what she would stay my friend. When put in a position where she had to chose between one friend and me- it was always me. Not that I ever said, "It's me or them." But I was young, and learning that everyone is different and you are not going to be friends with everybody, everybody is not going to love the person you are, not everyone will like you. I took those people as the enemy-- and expected her to also. Never said, always implied. My best girl friend and best guy friend broke up. She had completely kicked me out of her life over a friend with an abusive boyfriend, who was abusive towards the friends child. I witnessed a horrific event- between his breaking into mine and my room-mates house and abusing her and the roomie (ending in arrest), to hitting her child and calling him names. I had enough- this was not the people I hung out with, this was not behavior I would stand for, this was enough. This child did not deserve this, and I was going to make a stand- even if I knew he was going to attack me for it. One big horrific afternoon, and this time I did say, "How can you let this happen? How can you support her letting this happen." And I once again put her in an ultimatum. Who was I to do this to the one girl I would always love like my family? Who was I to make her chose? Who was I to tell her how to behave? Who was I to tell her to kick her other best friend and mine out of our lives? She taught me- that no matter what - you make your own choices, and you cannot expect everyone to follow behind you. She shunned me, moved to TN, and moved on with her life- with out me and her ex boyfriend.
He and I still hung out for awhile. Partied a lot- we were very well known for our partying and wild crazy nights. At the time I was proud to be the girl everyone called to see what was going on. I felt popular for once in my life. I felt like the girl everyone wanted to hang out with and I let it fill my head and boost my ego. He and I ended up with a fling for a few weeks, and this would be the most selfish, stupidest act, I had ever done in my entire life. I had betrayed my best friend, my sister, the love of my life. This would be my biggest regret ever. She was the only woman in the world I would love besides my family- she would be the only woman in the world who would be the greatest friend in the world and I ruined it. As much as I would like to turn this positive- it's not and I cannot acurately share my stories with you, without sharing the bad- even if it makes me look bad- because it is horrible. I have spent the last five years, emailing and calling trying to apologize- but I had committed the unthinkable. The worst thing a friend could ever do and if I were her- I wouldn't forgive me either. What was I thinking? Was I that full of myself? How could I betray the one and only person that had stayed by my side for 15 years. Even though we weren't speaking- this was the nail in the coffin and I deserved it. I'll never forget the wake up call of tears, fury, and heart break from her. Yes they were broken up, but I knew why. Yes they were apart for months, but I knew why and I knew she loved him still. Was I mad at her for shunning me? For turning her back on me? Was it revenge? It was a mistake. He and I remained friends- but I made it clear that I couldn't do it. He understood, he heard the phone call. He heard me crying, begging her not to do this. I told her everything, I told the truth, hoping that after some time- my honesty would regain her trust and get me my friend back. I don't regret telling her the truth- I regret my stupidity, my selfishness, my idiocy. I miss her. I learned from her- not to take anyone for granted, to do the right thing even if it's hard. To listen to people, that it's not all about me. I learned that there is nothing more heart breaking than losing your best friend. And I deserve this heart break. I still send the emails, I still beg for forgiveness, I still wish her best, and I still love her. I will never miss another human being- as much as I miss her.
I spent some time alone once again. Gaining back my confidence in life, holding my head down to the people who knew. I was ashamed, I still am. I still talk to him, we still remain friends, but simply friends. He was my best friend for a long time and still is, just when I see him- I see her and it hurts. It hurts my heart, but I'm sure never as much as I hurt her. We hung with the same crowd and saw each other often. Laughing and partying still- maybe this wasn't a good idea- but he was the only friend that knew me just as well, and always had my back no matter what and I need somebody. I need to have a friend who I will always have, -even if it was the nail to the coffin to end that friendship. Everybody deserves someone- no matter how horrible they are. It took me time to realize- we are all human, we all will do the unthinkable in one way or another, and we can only pick ourselves up- apologize, and move on. Which brings me to where I am now.
I was bartending at my bartending gig. This kid came in, always alone, always looked heart broken in those big blue eyes. A mysterious creature. We ended up hanging out as friends, out hiking, and partying. We would talk at the bar when I was working, and I learned little by little. He would wait for me to close and walk me to my car. Until one day, I noticed he was walking home. I pulled over and hollered out, "Hey you need a ride home?" He accepted gratefully and we continued this for a few weeks. One time driving home, he started talking to me about his Gram. I realized he liked me- and well, I liked him too. But after all the relationships, and life lessons, and heartbreaks, I was not going to jump into another one too fast. We slowly started dating. Mostly- by hanging out with friends. We talked on the phone daily and he still came to the bar to see me. We ended up having our first date in the mountains, in the middle of no where, no lights, except for the stars in the clear night sky. I felt free. I felt relaxed, I felt in love, I felt the love they felt in the movies. I felt like I could be my whole self, the weird girl that I am with him. I could tell him my deepest secrets and he would love me anyway and I was right. We eventually moved in together and have been together since. If there are things I learned over the last 4 years it's many. I learned that there is no true, perfect prince charming. There is someone you can stand to be with and they can stand to be with you. There is someone who will support and love you no matter what decisions you make. There is someone that even when there is no money, and your barely surviving- you have each other and that's what really counts. That someone that is with you through sickness and in health, for better or for worst. That someone who isn't perfect, but respects you, is loyal to you, has your back no matter what. Someone who can make you laugh with one word. Someone who you can make up a fake language with and talk in it for 15 minutes just to be silly. Someone who doesn't care about dirty dishes or that you didn't shave your legs that day. There is someone out there that you can be completely bare with and feel comfortable in your own skin. He has taught me that lifes not easy and we all make mistakes, and suffer our own sufferings- but with the right person you can get through anything together. I can keep going forever, about the love we share.
I don't know where my lifes gonna be tomorrow, or a year from now. I know how I ended up here. From the brilliant words of my mother: I know that when life gets tough- go back to the basics. It's okay to go to bed mad, but never stay bitter- because bitter is ugly. Never take a quick kiss good-bye for granted, because you never know what can happen. It's okay to smash some fruit or crackers, and to have little secrets. Laugh as much as you can, and love just as much. Stomp in the puddles and mud on rainy days, because even though it's raining you can still have fun. Enjoy your life with the people you love, because there is not a moment that you can waste. Life's too short to be anything but happy- and finding someone you can be happy with is the best thing you can have in life. It's okay to have problems, after all everybody does. It's what you do with those problems that makes the difference. Always let him think he's right - even if he's not. Let him get you lost for hours, because he doesn't want to stop and ask for directions. Never forget where you came from and how you got there. And most importantly- It's okay to let someone in and to help you, you can't do it all on your own.
I know how these people have each impacted my life - and even though not all of the relationships have lasted, and not all the feelings are mutual- I am grateful for each and everyone of my exes who have taught me something in one way or another throughout the years. They have each helped me to get to where I am today- they have each added a teeny tiny piece to me, and have made me stronger than I've ever been. So from the girl who has been down in the dumps lately- let me tell you- it's okay to be sad sometimes, but don't dwell on the bad. Think of the good, stay happy, keep smiling, and never take any person you come in contact with for granted- because after all every person you meet will add to who you are in one way or another. I'll take this time to thank all of you- who have impacted my life, and helped me to become the person I am. I have many good memories with all of you- and I cherish those memories every day of my life. Thank you for leading me to where I am today. You were all stops on my road map of life, and even though most of us do not talk or see each other anymore- I will always love each and everyone of you for the wonderful times we have shared, and helping me become me.
Good night and Love <3 Stephahhh
